I’ve had an increase in viral symptoms the last few months. Because I have so many, it’s been hard for me to pull apart the symptoms though. Also, my doctor started tapering me down on Seroquel, which produces some withdrawal effects that are viral-esque. So it’s been hard for me to understand what’s going on.
What I do know, though, is that a few months ago my night sweats increased, and I started to have hot flashes along with chills. My initial feeling on this was that it feels like I am trying to break a fever or something, and that this is what it feels like when I’m at the end of a virus. But, of course, doctors told me otherwise, and acted like I was getting worse, so I believed them, even though this sort of breaking of a fever feeling is very familiar to me.
Yesterday I woke up without a sore throat for the first time in a very long time. I also wasn’t having as severe of viral symptoms as usual. I didn’t think much of this though, because this does happen sometimes, and then usually by the evening I’m in full viral mode. In fact, this pattern of feeling better when I wake up and then having no energy with symptoms has been going on since about 2009. So, I’ve just gotten used to that and also the fact doing something during the day will usually result in symptoms later on.
Before I started having repressed memories in 2015, though, this didn’t happen every day. Some days, I was able to sustain until maybe 9 pm or 9:30, even with constant fatigue. But some days, this just didn’t work at all. But when I started having repressed memories every day, I got into a pattern where I was not able to sustain and avoid viral symptoms and to recover physically like I used to. Eventually, though, because of working through trauma, staying away from people who are not supportive of me, and getting on the right medications, I do not have these memories as much as I used to, which means that I can actually begin to relax and recover from all of this.
Also, as my pent up-fears about my trauma rose, I started having a really hard time sleeping. It seems as though I’ve been sleeping with one eye open for years, afraid to drift all the way into sleep in fears that I will be left too vulnerable to fend for myself if a predator were to find me. This lack of quality sleep, too, then, has worsened my physical health.
Lately, though, I’ve been feeling safer and safer. I’ve also started to really listen to my other parts, alters, and personalities. This is easier, too, because I’m not on so many mental health medications that I cannot communicate with myself. Also, all those high medications made it hard for me to switch, which messed everything up and also hampered with my feelings of safety and really just my ability to function in life. So, going off of and down on my medications has been a vital part of my recovery. What this all means is that I’m starting to sleep better again and am able to relax a little more too.
When I woke up yesterday, I saw that someone had sent me a Facebook message. It was one of my cousins, and she had invited David and I over to her house to play games! It turned out that she is open, too, to playing a lot of board games that David likes but that I sort of have to get myself through when we play together (they’re just not my favorite types of games.. yet). So when she started talking about playing his types of games, I knew that it would be fun and really good for both of us. And it really was. Having someone there who plays games a little more like I do helped me to have fun with playing David’s type of board game, and David just loved the fact that we were doing it at all. I also realized, too, how important it is for me to spend time with people who I can truly relate to. This is because I’ve gotten to the point where I only hang out with David and my parents due to the fact that I was just trying to hang out with people who are not similar to me and don’t understand me, and I am able to tell that they don’t understand me and think that I’m weird. This really resulted in a loss of self-esteem. So, it was a self-esteem boost to hang out with someone, other than David, who didn’t look down his or her nose to me.
I did have an energy crash at her house, though, but then seemed to come back from it. And, even though I was tired, my viral symptoms were not flaring by the evening as they usually do. To me, this was really shocking. This tells me, though, that I am making the right choices in life regarding my medical care, and that I have also been right to isolate myself from people who only lower my self-esteem. What a difference it makes to hang out with someone who doesn’t judge me to my face.
I woke up today without a sore throat either. I’m still tired, as usual, but am feeling okay. I think that I made the right choice by seeing a Naturopath and also with just sitting around at home as much as I could for a few months in order to heal from or improve Epstein Barr. It is really boring though and does get old to sit around your house by yourself all of the time and rest, but it seems like that is what I have to do for myself right now. I know that people in AA would tell me that I am “isolating”, and make this out to be a bad thing. But it’s not, and doctors have recommended that I isolate myself right now too. And, it’s working. Still, I do think that I’m ready for a little more social interaction with the right people, David included.
Thanks for reading! Feel free to comment below