I’ve been really exhausted the last few days. I’m not 100% sure why this is. I know that I had a tiring day on Tuesday, but that doesn’t fully explain it. Part of it could be hormones or just my health issues in general.
What I do know is that I don’t feel like exercise would be a good thing for me today. I felt the same way yesterday too. It’s good that I was able to recognize this. I used to be somewhat good about recognizing whether or not I should do something like exercise when I’m tired, but then when I started to work through trauma I began to second guess myself because all of the guilt, shame, and blame that I felt towards myself due to the trauma that I’ve been through really tore through my self-esteem. While I know intellectually that the trauma is not my fault, I have to work through all of these feelings of blame/shame that the abusers and enablers created. It’s been pretty difficult.
Over the last four years, I’ve been deeply healing from the trauma that I experienced. It’s been the focus of my life, and I have discovered a lot through it and healed quite a bit. But, I feel like it’s time for me to start living life again. This doesn’t mean that I’m going to just stop the healing process, because I believe that if a person really is healing from trauma that this process never just “ends”. I know that I’ll be healing from trauma and likely experience the effects of it for the rest of my life. I just feel, though, like I’m ready to focus on it less than I have been, that I’ve done a really good job so far and that it doesn’t have to be my focus anymore.
In the self-help books that I read about cults, the authors talk about how part of the healing from them is to recognize the good things that they brought to our lives. One thing that I recognize about my experience in AA is that the program gave me a lot of purpose. I felt like I really was part of a movement that was changing the world for the better, and since I also believed that it was the only way to stay sober, I really thought that through spreading the message that I was helping people in a special way. But, even though this brought me purpose, happiness, and fulfillment for many years, when I started to see the problems in the program, this sense of purpose was lost to the point of where I couldn’t find purpose anymore in anything for a good amount of time.
One thing that I’m doing in my life, then, is trying to think of ways that I can find purpose today, as well as ways outside of AA that I found purpose before everything fell apart. I know that I felt purpose through being a cat mom, for example, through being an Aunt, through keeping the house clean, through keeping myself as healthy as I could, and other things. So despite the fact that I still have issues feeling a sense of purpose today, I know that these things have brought me that in the past, and that they can do this again. I just have to be open to it. I think that I feel fear and hesitancy to feel and find purpose in anything today because I was so let down by AA and my abusive family, who I found purpose through as well.
Purpose, I feel, is important for anyone. But, when a person’s sense of purpose falls apart, I feel like it leads to a type of existential crisis that is really hard for me to explain. I know that over the last few years that I have questioned everything. I feel, though, like this questioning is slowing down. As I said above, I’m hoping that I’m at the point where I can really start to live again, or maybe really live for the first time.
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