Yesterday my parents came to visit us for Mother’s Day. I actually was not too worried about it, because they’ve been on pretty good behavior ever since I told them that I needed space from them. Also, I think that they are trying to treat me well because of the Chronic Active Epstein Barr diagnosis (stress can worsen it, and they know that they upset and/or trigger me when they act in certain ways). So, they’re definitely trying to minimize their abusive behaviors right now, which is good. The interesting part about that too is that this means that they can control their behavior if they want to.
Anyways, it was nice to see them. I know that my Psychiatric Nurse suggested full no-contact, but that’s been hard for me, and I wasn’t ever sure that I wanted to do it. What I do want is to be able to see them on Holidays and birthdays and the like. This way, I’m not triggered all the time from seeing and talking to them, and because of this I’ll likely enjoy the time that I spend with them more. Plus it is just an easier way for me to live overall. I’m glad today that I’m not just blindly following someone else’s advice, even if it is a professional. I’ve found that it’s important to really figure out what I want in life and then to follow it rather than to rely on everyone else’s opinion.
And I did enjoy seeing them yesterday, as did David and the cats. Still, I ended up having repressed memories on and off all day yesterday, and was dissociating quite a bit. I was also really exhausted too about half way through the day. But, I am getting more used to being aware that I’m dissociating and am realizing that it is nothing to be afraid of. This is good and a lot of progress for me, because dissociating and dissociative symptoms are usually quite frightening to me. This fear of these states only showed up though once I became aware that I was dissociating and was suffering from derealization/depersonalization. Because of this, I’m learning to coach myself through these symptoms and remind myself that I am safe despite having them, and that there is nothing wrong with me because I’m experiencing life in this way.
I’m not sure what David and I are going to do for Mother’s Day today. I know that American Idol is on tonight, and likely they will do a Mother’s Day special. We’ll see how I feel about that. Most years they put their moms on pedestals, and this might be hard for me to see. Other than that, we likely are going to get take out from a restaurant or go out to eat, and possibly see Captain Marvel. What we end up doing mostly depends on how I’m feeling throughout the day. I have been exhausted ever since that panic attack on Thursday.
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