I’m still really sick today due to either another flare of Epstein Barr, a virus/cold, or both (the latter is the most likely). My throat is sore, my ear is aching, I have painful canker sores (a symptom of Epstein Barr), chills, and basically just don’t feel well. After I write this blog post I am going to go back to bed for probably most of the day.
What is very interesting, though, is that despite all of this I actually have more energy than I’ve had in years. In particular, my mental and emotional energy is probably the highest it’s been since my first year in graduate school. I also have very little brain fog these days, which compared to the previously severe and worsening brain fog that occurred during my time in AA, is pretty profound. Because of this, my ability to think clearly today is really improving. And while these are all good things, it harder for me to rest when I’m sick because I’m not used to having energy like this and feel the need to use it, even though I should be resting.
The reason why I suspect that I have more energy today is that I am not trying to carry all of my trauma around anymore and my mental health symptoms, particularly my dissociative symptoms, are lessening. I also feel safe right now because I do not spend time with abusive people and am not in an abusive situation(s). This lessens my load in life and results in more energy. Also, when my mental health symptoms are severe, it can feel like a full time job just to function and is incredibly exhausting. The symptoms also create fogginess in my brain and makes it feel like life and the tasks of it are just harder in general. I also believe that trying to stay in denial about trauma and the reality of my life, both past and present, was really taxing on my system, even if unconscious processes were at play. Now that I’m much more out of denial and am in touch with my past and present circumstances, as well as myself, I have a lot more energy in many ways.
This combination of higher energy, though while at the same time having less energy in some respects is a tricky one. I’m having to really use self-talk to walk myself through recovery from the virus(es) that I have and set limits with myself. And, I’m having to learn self-care in a different way today. It will take me some time to get used to having more energy again, especially considering the fact that I have less energy in other ways at the moment. Overall, I believe that this is all part of the healing process, at least for me.
I’ve talked about resiliency before in my blog and how mine is growing. I thought about this the other day and realized that while I am becoming more resilient in some respects, in other ways I am less resilient today due to all of the abuse that I endured throughout the years. Mainly, this lack of resiliency revolves around my tendency to get sick all of the time right now. My immune system definitely needs a boost as it has weakened over time. To do this I am taking all kinds of supplements, have reduced stress in my life, do light exercise when I feel well enough to do so, and have a strict diet. It still seems, though, that it might take awhile for me to get resiliency back in terms of my ability to fight illnesses.
Overall, I’m at an interesting crossroads in my journey through recovery from health issues and trauma. It seems that while on one hand I feel really good physically, emotionally, and mentally, at the same time I obviously am still recovering from the long term effects of continuous, lifelong abuse. It saddens me that I am so sick today, and it can be frustrating to look outside at the beautiful sunshine and realize that I am not well enough to enjoy it. At least I can hold on to all of my memories of enjoying the outdoors and aspects of life that right now I am unable to experience.
Thanks for reading my blog today! Feel free to comment below.