I’ve been having a good couple of months. So I was surprised when I woke up this morning (or yesterday morning now) just feeling off. I felt tired, and my inclination was to just rest in bed all day. But I had things to do so I just got up and did what needed to be done.
But my day just started going badly. I didn’t have much gas in my car when I tried to drive to an appointment. I got bullied on Facebook. And I talked to an advocate in the area who referred me to yet another advocate. Then my counselor called and asked me why I was talking to an advocate because she is worried that talking too much about trauma will re-traumatize me. I told her that it’s because other advocates have recommended that I do so.
So she and my nurse practitioner wanted me to try to write things down instead of talking to advocates. But that never works for me. If I feel really unsafe, I just need to hear someone else’s voice over the phone.
I started experiencing negative self talk maybe an hour before bed. I tried my best to use CBT techniques and challenge the thoughts, but it didn’t work, and I still couldn’t sleep. I was just overwhelmed by fears about experiencing yet another trauma and am fearful because of what I went through.
So I did end up calling the Hope Line in the middle of the night, and it was really helpful to me. I felt a lot safer. I guess that I’m just going to tell my counselor and nurse practitioner that even though it may be somewhat re-traumatizing for me to rehash trauma, that it is more important for me to just feel that feeling of safety that we all need. The truth is that I haven’t felt 100 % safe for years because of the trauma that I went through and sometimes I need to talk to another human being, even in the middle of the night.
After crying awhile, I realized that I had started fighting again in my body and my mind. I don’t really know why this happened, it just did. So I told myself to put down the sword, and looked around me and told myself that I don’t have any reason to fight anymore. The fight is over and has been for some time, and I am safe. This is something that I have to remind myself every night just to go to sleep: I am safe. Sometimes I have to say it repeatedly to myself and to my many different parts (DID parts).
I am also trying to remind myself of how far I’ve come. Patrick, my cat who has cancer, has not eaten in the evenings for a few weeks. He has let me know through Animal Communication that this is because his “belly hurts” by the time the evening rolls around. But the other night I told him that if he doesn’t eat, that his belly will only hurt more. And ever since then he’s been eating at nights! I find this kind of amazing. It’s also rather astounding to me too that I can even learn a new skill at all, because only a few years ago I couldn’t learn a thing due to my cognitive difficulties. But now I’m actually learning Animal Communication! I’m pretty proud of myself, and think that the whole thing is pretty awesome.
Anyways, I’m going to see if I can get a few hours of sleep. Maybe I just needed a good cry. I’m not sure. I’ll just keep telling myself what my previous counselor said to say during these times: You’re not alone, you’re safe, and it’s all over. Thanks for reading!