Anxieties about Ritalin

Even though I am having a lot of benefits from Ritalin, I am still really anxious and nervous about being on it. I am only on 5 mg three times a day, which is equivalent to three cups of coffee a day, so it’s really not that much… but I’m still a bit panicked to be on a stimulant medication. I think this is pretty normal, but throw in my ritual abuse from AA and I am freaking a bit. It’s going to take me awhile to get used to being on this medication. I’m probably going to do a dosage increase in the future because my symptoms aren’t fully cleared up but for right now I’m okay at this dose.

I’m still puzzled at how Ritalin could actually be reducing my rather delusional thoughts that I sometimes have. Of course I did a bunch of research on this today and came up with a few theories: 1) Psychosis and delusions can be a result of coming down on antipsychotics, which I went off on Wednesday 2) PTSD can result in psychosis and all kinds of things, and Ritalin can help with PTSD 3) My psychiatrist says that ADHD can cause Psychosis, so meds would reduce that 4) Severe dissociation can result in psychosis and delusions and Ritalin seems to be reducing my dissociation as well as derealization/depersonalization. I’m guessing that #4 is it because my level of derealization was extreme and really unnerving to me. Of course I didn’t have typical psychosis/delusions because I was still aware of reality but I have been so high in derealization that I felt psychotic and delusional and had some of the symptoms of it. Wow, it is really scary to have Dissociative Identity Disorder and it is weird to find what helps it.

So today has been a pretty good day for both David and I. I woke up, researched David’s natal chart in my Astrology book, and then did Yoga with him. We have Gaia.com and today tried out one of Rodney Yee’s relaxation videos. It was pretty good and I am surprised at how inflexible even my arms are. I am not a very flexible person at all. I do have an athletic build and tend towards muscles, muscles, muscles when I exercise… so it turns out that there are some forms of Yoga that I love because they are strength building. I have a harder time doing the restorative ones because of my limited flexibility and inability to relax (ADHD) but I know that those ones are probably one of the best things that I can do for my overall health.

After Yoga David and I sliced up about six bananas and put them in the dehydrator. It’s our first time trying it so hopefully this comes out well.

The dishes came next, which David did today. I get so tired of doing dishes every day, and because we do a lot of cooking due to my diet (I have a bunch of food allergies and sensitivities) we have a lot of them. Every day. So I’m glad that I got a reprieve thanks to David. I read and did some exercises from my Astrology book during this and researched some things that I have on my mind related to my medication change.

After the dishes we watched a couple of hours of Merlin and Lucy got a lot of attention, followed by ukulele and then a movie. We watched I am Dragon. It was an interesting, artsy love story. I really liked it, and Patrick and Lucy both seemed to like the fact that I am sitting still better (they both sat my lap the whole movie and I got up less frequently than usual).

David and I get really lazy on Saturdays. We have issues figuring out what to do and usually watch a lot of tv. I think that tonight we might play a board game. I still need to remember to be careful to rest due to having an Eipstein Barr flare.

I have constant worries about whether or not I’ll be able to work again but I guess I’ll just have to wait and see. My last five years or so of work were really traumatic for me due to missing work and getting in trouble with bosses all the time. I’m glad to not have that stress anymore but not working also causes different kinds of stress for me. Some of my parents ritualistic “family values” and abuse revolved around working, earning a lot of money, and achievement. I haven’t broken this mind control yet/fully worked through the abuse (it was very severe) so I still have a lot of problems with not being able to work and am really hard on myself. I’m working through this though and it’s getting easier to accept that I’m unable to work due to health issues.

Well, I’m going to go do something with David… probably some sort of game or something. Thanks again for reading.

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